Here I am penning down my thoughts at 2 AM on a friday night. Hoping against all precedents that “decluttering” will actually help me break this inertia. Observed that my identity deeply requires a grounding. Grounding referring to the proof of work. Why do I need to prove everything. Above all else, need to prove that I am smart. It might be the triggered imposter syndrome as a result of cutting some corners. That begs the question - How to unwire myself from this dogmatic relation Hardwork == Success?.
The justification of the title is as follows: It seems like everyone including your friends are secretly betting against your happiness. Maybe not. I don’t know who are my friends anymore. I haven’t had the luxury to share a requited deep friendship. I have been fortunate to have a few of them who are truly my “friends” and well-wishers. I partially blame my upbringing for this, I have been brought up in a very low-trust environment. And being physically, financially suboptimal hasn’t been very helpful either. This is quite visible in my behaviour I believe. Moreover, I have failed in committing to a tribe during my college, now that I think about it, even school period. I always had chosen a “leader” of the tribe and been close with them. Not to perverse the observation, but a fair analogy would be of a cunning consort. In all candor, it had never been my intention to act as a subordinate, it purely was a result of my genuine belief of equality with the “leader”. But since I was never the leader himself, I never could cultivate the qualities. I fail to inspire I think. Fail to make people follow. How do you even do that?
Anyone who has ever had a deeper peek at me or my life has left. I think I fail to connect to people on a basic level. Can’t find that flow, sometimes I do, but don’t have the recipe for it. On the surface level, I am a pretty charismatic/friendly person. But I don’t know if I have more depth to my character? Or maybe it’s the opposite, I have so much depth that most people get scared of it? Or maybe I decept them from hiding the depth and they see through the deception, failing to win over their faith. I think I need to be a little more ruthless/arrogant? People don’t hesitate to question my authority even now, but then atleast I will be on the battlefield with a chance to prove them wrong.
It’s not all negative though, I think I am learning and getting better. But I need to closely observe more leaders.